I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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