She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
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Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
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I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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