I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
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Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
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Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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