you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
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sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
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