My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize