he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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