today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
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We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
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Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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