The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
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I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
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And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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