I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
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is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
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Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize