I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
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There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
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Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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