I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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