Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
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