Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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