Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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