my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
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ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
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Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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