note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize