he referred to my room as the tit cave...
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
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He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
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Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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