Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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