We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize