how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have feelings that need drinking.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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