Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
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Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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