All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
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The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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