he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
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the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
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How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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