Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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