I haven't been this sober since birth.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
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