I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
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He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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