The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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