You can't special order awesome
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
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