my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
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I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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