btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
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