I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
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Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
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When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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