I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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