the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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