Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
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Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
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Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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