You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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