a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize