I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
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