I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
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HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
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She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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