Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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