my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
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my being single is dangerous.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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