I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize