My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize