Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
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One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
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I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
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