I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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