He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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