ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
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I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
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Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
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