I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
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Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
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I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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