The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
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Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
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Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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