my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
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You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
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He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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