Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
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Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
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My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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